


that which leaves the ears ringing

by asexuelf



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anders Was Right, Betrayal, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Fenris (Dragon Age), Heartbreak, Hopeful Ending, Love, Mage (Dragon Age) Rights, Neopronouns, One Shot, Other, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Ending, Sided with Mages, Slavery, Trans Character, Trans Fenris (Dragon Age), Trauma, but also interpersonal relationships are complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29561727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexuelf/pseuds/asexuelf
Summary: After the column of red split the sky, taking Kirkwall with it, the Champion and their band of misfits are split up and on the run. Angry and haunted, Fenris travels with xir husband. At least, the thing xie believed was xir husband.Heartbreak is an almighty sound.
Relationships: Anders/Fenris (Dragon Age)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	that which leaves the ears ringing

**Author's Note:**

> trying to get back into the swing of writing @_@ this was fun to write and i'm pretty happy with it, so i hope you enjoy 💕
> 
> the prompt from @pettyprompts on tumblr is; "You did something awful. You don't get a second chance anymore."

"You did something unspeakable, _demon_. You don't get a second chance. Not this time. Not from me."

Anders watches dismally as Fenris turns, xir clenched fists shaking the way an oak shakes in a hurricane, and walks away from him. At least, as far away as the small, one-room cabin they're squatting in will allow xir to. If he's honest, he's just grateful the cabin is dry and insulated. It's no hurricane outside, but the weather is fretful and Anders knows how a storm can send Fenris back to Tevinter, back to Seheron.

He supposes xie's rather occupied with xir emotions already. Watching xir lyrium tattoos shine sporadically through the back of xir borrowed shirt like a flickering candle, a short wick, is- painful. Deserved, but painful nonetheless, to feel the weight of the rage he's made xir suffer through again. For everything he's made xir suffer through.

"I know I don't," he whispers. It comes out choked, but he can't find it in himself to be embarrassed. He is without dignity. He doesn't deserve it. "I know, but-"

"No." Xir head snaps back towards him, teeth clenched and eyes wide with rage. With fear. "I've been giving you second chances, third chances, as many chances are you were happy to _take_ from me, since the day we met. I thought, since you had seemed so opposed to Danarius' abuse of power..."

Anders hangs his head in shame.

Fenris isn't done. Xie continues, a miserable grin stretching across xir face. "But I was wrong. You aren't like Danarius, so I allowed myself to become weak. I have loved you, by my own choice, every day. And yet- And yet!" Xie throws xir hands in the air, refusing to meet Anders' eyes. He doesn't have to see them to know they're stinging with tears. He can hear it in his partner's voice. "Here you are standing before me, expectant hands reaching towards my flesh as if nothing happened. I will not hold you, abomination. Or are they calling you a terrorist now instead?"

Anders flinches. _I deserve that_ , he thinks. I deserve this. Reaching out to hold xir had been callous. Tactless. Even cruel, if the wavering strength in Fenris' voice tells him anything.

A sob causes Fenris to convulse strangely in xir attempts to contain it. Xir breathing is uneven. Panicked. "You destroyed my home. You destroyed my life, which I fought for for years - which I thought I might have finally stolen back from Danarius' cold, dead hands."

"I know." Even the subtle creaking of the floorboards beneath his feet is louder than his words. "And never will a day come that I don't feel that weight. That shame at having hurt you."

A laugh. There's no joy in the harsh sounds coming from Fenris' chest. "And as for me? Do you believe I do not feel that weight? Do you believe I do not know it better than you?"

"No. I'm sor-"

"If you apologize one more time, I will lose my home and my husband in the same week. Think of your own well-being, if you cannot think about mine."

Anders watches through his tears as Fenris grabs some of the dusty linens off the abandoned bed and drags them to a corner to sleep. As far away from Anders as possible.

"I love you," Anders says. Xir nose flares with rage and xir chest rises like a dragon spitting heat, but he doesn't stop. "I will build you a new life if it kills me. I begged Hawke to spare me, only so I-" _we_ "-could give you justice. But my people needed justice too, Fenris. They still do. Even you must concede that."

Xie scoffs. "You think so lowly of me? That I believe the Templars were not engaging in deplorable acts? I know deplorable acts, Anders. They're carved into my skin."

"I didn't-"

"You didn't. You did not _think_. You did not spare a moment to wonder if perhaps I deserved some agency in this war. You made my choices for me. You chose to destroy our home."

"There was no other way."

Fenris' eyes squeeze shut. Xie breathes, in and out, in and out, even and slow just as Anders taught xem so many years ago. He can see it in the clench of xir jaw, in the taut curve of xir back: xie agrees with him. Xie too believes the Battle of Kirkwall was necessary. Xie too knows that there was no other option.

"There was," xie says. "I could have stood beside you. Instead, you've made a slave of me once more."

Anders is too ashamed to speak after that. Even if he wasn't, the ache in his heart is too thick for words to pass. He's crushed completely, and yet remains intact. He wishes distantly that Fenris would take xir revenge and plunge xir hand into his chest. 

Instead, sighing shakily, Fenris turns away again. Xie lies down on xir linens with xir back to him, forcing xir shoulders to relax. He can see the pain the flickering markings are putting xem through. He wants so badly to apologize, to say _I love you_ until Fenris believes it again, but the way xie's shaking cements his mouth shut.

Fenris cries silently as xie pretends to be asleep.

That's worse than having his heart torn out. Although the air is cool and the cabin is dry and warm, Anders can't fall asleep. He stares at the uneven wood panelling of the ceiling and waits for- something. _Something_.

Waiting is all he knows anymore. No matter how many times he grabs hope by the throat, it doesn't bring him any further from his hopelessness.

"I love you," he chances. He realizes belatedly that he's crying too.

"I know, Anders." A deep, shuddering breath. A huff, almost like laughter and almost an exhausted sigh. A miserable sound to punctuate miserable words. "That is why it hurts. That love wasn't enough to sway you, not even in my direction, not even to make an accomplice of me. You woke up day after day, premeditating that attack, and each day, you decided your love for me - my love for you - was not enough."

"Liébling-"

"Go to sleep. Take advantage of the storm - we're unlikely to get another reprieve anytime soon."

Eventually, Anders does. As soon as he hears xir breathing even out, that familiar drone of half-mumbled sleep talk as soothing as it is a knife through his chest, he moves to lie in the corner beside Fenris, covering xem with his coat. When he feels himself giving into exhaustion, he kisses xir forehead as gently as he is capable of and tenderly takes xir hand in his own.

The hand in his gives a miniscule squeeze. Whether Fenris is awake or simply responding in xir sleep, Anders doesn't know. The Fade has already taken him to dream.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading 💖


End file.
